Henlo, how did your week go? Mine's a bit rough. I'm not telling you this to drag you into something negative or add more gloom in the atmosphere, especially now that we're facing a life-threatening situation and limited circumstances due to the COVID-19 pandemic. But I want to vent out.
I know my sentiments should not concern anybody, and it must have been the last thing you want to read during these fucked up times. I may not speak for everyone when it comes to screaming from the inside struggles, but here's my reality.
Ever since the lockdown began, I've been losing sleep. And when I do sleep, I dream. A lot. So much so that I wake up still feeling restless. Every day, a new pimple grows on my face, which is depressing since I'm used to having clear skin. I now feel weak and tired. I don't have any motivation to read, and I don't watch movies anymore. I haven't touched any of my art materials. All of my habits that define me as a person are gone. I'm not creative anymore, and I don't know why... Sad face emoji.
I always worry about my health. I don't want to get infected. Some of my hair fell off due to anxiety. I also worry about my mother. She is vulnerable to everything, not just the virus. Yet, all I did is indulge myself in Mobile Legends. I'm not even a serious player. I only started playing during the quarantine period. When I'm not playing, I'm on various social media (socmed) platforms. It's quite sad because aside from Facebook Messenger, which I use to communicate with friends, I was never a socmed person.
From time to time, I go out to buy myself milk tea. I'm not proud of it, though. I'm not proud that I'm probably risking myself and others. Call me selfish, but drinking milk tea is the only thing that keeps me from totally flipping out. I also want to eat Jamaican Pattie and lechon, but I can't. If I don't get to drink milk tea, there'll be nothing left of what I used to do before the quarantine. It scares me. I'm scared that this pandemic has downgraded me as a person – more useless and lonelier.
And just when I thought I would continue declining into the abyss of uncertainties and self-loathing, I stumbled upon Lauv's music video (MV) on YouTube. Finally, I found something positive about spending too much time on the internet.
I felt iffy clicking on it at first, but I clicked it anyway. I don't know a lot about Lauv, I'm just aware that he sang "I Like Me Better," and that's it. That's my only knowledge of Lauv. Going back, I got very intrigued by the title of Lauv's MV – "Modern Loneliness." I thought: okay, sure.
Then I clicked play.
A few seconds in, an establishing shot consisting of a bright ensemble of yellow flowers, printed trousers, and sneakers greeted me. I thought: good start, Lauv. Good start.
And then, there's Lauv. He's laying in the grass. He's staring blankly in the air, looking melancholic while wearing a hoodie. Seriously, how millennial could this video get?
When I saw the camera pan around Lauv and start to get closer to his face, I knew it was going to get personal and dramatic. It instantly reminded me of Alanis Morrisette's "Head Over Feet" MV. For those not old enough to know, here's the link.
He began singing. The first part went like:
"I've been thinkin' 'bout my father lately
The person that he made me
The person I've become"
As an only child, I'm pretty close to my parents, and I've had my fair share of family drama within our small household. I had and still has a couple of father issues. I can say that this line hits home. But did I look away? I did not. I leaned even closer to my phone.
When the camera zoomed out to reveal that Lauv is singing alone while laying in a field of flowers, a pinch of sadness slowly burned in my guts too. As he let his innermost thoughts spill out, I related to his words even more.
I reached this part:
"I've been trying to find a reason to get up
Been trying to find a reason for this stuff
In my bedroom and my closet
The baggage in my heart is still so dark"
And this:
"If I could break my DNA to pieces
Get rid of all my demons
If I could cleanse my soul"
To this:
"Love my friends to death
But I never call and I never text"
I let myself go through all the emotions I could feel from watching the visuals and hearing the lyrics. It hurts, but at the same time, it speaks the truth, which I find very comforting and nurturing to the heart. Stanza by stanza, I listened very carefully.
Sorrow filled my heart. But along came a few people in the next scene. They were also laying down in the field of flowers, seemingly stuck in their own worlds. These kids, just like Lauv, might also be going through a phase of hopelessness and self-isolation.
I thought: what a powerful build-up and reveal. I love the rawness of them being all alone together and eventually noticing other people fight their own demons. For me, it's a fresh representation of a generation that allows themselves to feel and still manage to sympathize with others. But that's just me, that's my take on it.
The screen continued to zoom out further to the ending, and you could see that Lauv and his companions are alright. Their worries, including mine, are just little portions of the broader things that are really in store for us. If only we can zoom out the way we look at things.
As for me, will I ever stop venting out? Nope. Because my feelings are valid, and yours are too. This song reaffirmed the old fact that it's okay to feel bad and be sad once in a while, really. I see you, Lauv. I see you.
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